i am a girl to whom self-awareness feels almost like a necessity to existence, and yet recently, i have been at a loss for what is going on inside of me. for much of my life, i had harbored the deep-seeded belief that there was something deeply and inherently wrong with me, and this feeling that has recently arisen is bringing with it the old tugging of this dark and destructive story. and because i have set out to begin creating this blog as a safe haven for my own honesty and journey to becoming, i decided that words were the place where the answers could begin. and if not answers, then maybe just the conflicting truth that i am not alone, and others feel this too.
this feeling is a desert, the dark sky above you. cool wind on your flushed cheeks, stars unfurling like the vast, thick blanket of the deep night. your neck is craned back, as you drink in your insignificance. and then it hits you. the weight of this silence hits your chest like a bag of stones, the immensity of the world makes you fall to your knees, and your insides feel a disaster approaching. the silence is all too deep, your core is as empty as the empty miles that surround you. you could feel it all along, the ache in the back of your mind, whispering to you that something was off. and now you realize just how off everything really is. you feel the wrongness sour in your mouth, your head woozy. how do you cope, next time things feel okay, knowing that this is hiding just behind your eyes?
a dear friend of mine, just the other day, reminded me that this life is a brilliantly difficult balance between pain and beauty, struggle and triumph. and so while this emptiness that has recently begun engulfing me feels like an undeniably existential agony, i am attempting to use words to be the bridge to beauty. so, if there is anyone indeed out there reading these words, know that your emptiness is valid, it is felt within me too, and it means that you are alive. you still are missing some of your pieces, and my god sometimes the pieces feel so big that it steals your breath, but know i am on this journey to find my pieces as well.
being empty only means that from here on out, we cannot become anything else but filled.
let us not escape our emptiness, and let us give ourselves grace when we cannot describe our emptiness with the perfect eloquence.
let us hold our emptiness in our shaking hands, and know that we are on our way to becoming full.
let us tend to our emptiness and care for ourselves no matter how strong the urges are to shred ourselves apart, and remember that we will not be burdened by this inexplicable weight for the rest of our days.
let us begin to create a bridge, a bridge built on food, truth, connection, and care for the self.
let us strengthen our bridges with fought urges, validation of progress, hot tea, and gratitude.
all in all, let us raise our voices and create our bridges together.
this emptiness that feels so dark is actually the broken edges in which the light will seep in.
we are not alone.