i have struggled an unfathomable amount recently with finding my words. i have begun countless blog posts, only to delete them, because i have this seemingly gaping hole where my words should be. this vacantness within my chest, this deep gnawing, without even the ability to describe it to my own self.
sometimes, i wonder if there is anyone else in the world like me. the ones who understand the world backwards. the ones who feel, and then think, rather than the other way around. i cannot even comprehend the idea of “racing thoughts”, because my mind feels like a void. so much of the time i simply feel, i feel so so very deeply indeed, but searching for my thoughts that are creating these feelings is so very much like blindly groping my way through a thick darkness.
a couple of days ago i sat in therapy, and as it happens more frequently than not i sat without being able to speak, shaking legs and a feeing within me so huge it felt ready to erupt from my physical body. all i wanted was to speak, to be heard, to be understood, to feel connected, to feel real. after an hour of silence, my therapist said something to me as i was finally putting my shoes on and getting ready to emerge back into the world. she said: “you have experienced more feelings within yourself in this hour alone than i can even comprehend. dear, it must be exhausting.”
and let me tell you, it is. to feel everything so deeply it hurts, from sadness to gratitude to loneliness to disgust to self-hatred to motivation and back again. i get so caught in this turmoil of emotion, i feel this sensation of not knowing who i truly am and what i truly feel. it is as though every emotion that i feel, every action that i take, is just another blind step bringing me farther and farther from my true self. who am i? what do i truly want? why does everything feel so, so wrong?
after years and years of not only existing without feeling, due to the severity of the starvation i believed myself deserving of, but also existing without truly living, it is true that i am in the process of relearning how to be a human of this world. and if this is the case for you too, then this is for you. we are all in the process of relearning how to be humans of this world, and it is a difficult, difficult, difficult task indeed.
i have not really lived in a long, long time. and here, as i am fulfilling this terribly daunting intention of mine to finally publish new words onto my site, i am making a promise to myself and to all you others out there who feel as i do. here is that promise. if you are in need of this promise too, hold it in your heart. there is more than enough of it for us all.
when i do not know where my words hide, i will have patience.
when i do not know how to weave my way through this chaotic world of thought and feeling, i will have patience.
when i choke on impending doom, choke on the sensation that i will never be fully real and will never be fully understood, i will have patience.
when i feel as though my whole existence is one impulsive trial and error after another, and when i believe that i will never feel at peace just living inside my mind and body, i will have patience.
when i do not know how to speak, i will have patience.
when i do not know who to be, i will have patience.
when i do not know how to be, i will have patience.
patience, friends. even if i am only learning to believe in me, i believe in you.