when it hurts to no longer hurt, and the new hurt that this creates.

today i found myself hurting, hurting, hurting.

the hurt began as an ache, the moment my therapist said that she no longer feared for my physical health.

the hurt then spread through my bones, as my fourth therapy session in a row that i had not spoke of my truth in any way, came to a close.

the hurt finally traveled into my veins, as the belief that i would be better off frail, weak, starved, and dead washed over me.

the hurt clutched at my heart, when i realized just how empty i felt now that i was without my old hurt to fill me up.

sometimes i do not know who i am without my old hurt.

this is one of those days.

sometimes i do not know who i am without the darkness of anorexia looming ever-near.

sometimes i do not know who i am without the cold limbs and empty chest.

sometimes i do not know who i am without the purpose that endless self-destruction brings.

sometimes i do not know who i am in the world of all the other beings of the earth, going about their days and their lives knowing so easily just how to simply act human.

sometimes i do not know who i am at all.

i have so much silence inside of me, i feel like my silence is expanding faster than there is room for. soon enough there will be a vacant universe inside of my chest, alone.

i have lost my old hurt and i emerge healthy and present into the world, and this lack of old hurt is replaced by such a deep, deep, and deeply different hurt.

as i move through this new hurt, my mind is screaming unearthly emptiness, and i am attempting to soothe this pain now.

i am telling my new hurt that vocalizing my existence and my emotions will become easier with time.

i am telling my new hurt that as much as i believe that the old hurt would be more comforting, the truth of the matter is that i chose to leave that old hurt behind because my eating disorder nearly ended my life and brought me more darkness than is imaginable.

i am telling my new hurt that i spent so many years out of this world, it is not easy to reenter it. i am learning. i am just a beginner in this world of the vibrantly living.

i am telling my new hurt that no matter how much shame it fills me with, no matter how many therapy sessions more will be filled with incongruent silence, i will eventually make my way. i will one day feel real, alive, and whole.

i am telling my new hurt that i am not giving up yet.

i have traded hurt for hurt, but at least this hurt offers the potential for hope. this new hurt is a hole in which i can create myself. 

this hole has only the potential for growth. and even if i have to grit my teeth and scream into the silence, grow i will.

grow i will.

i am not giving up yet.

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3 thoughts on “when it hurts to no longer hurt, and the new hurt that this creates.

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