a midnight is upon us tonight, one with more preconceived meanings and pressures than most. the midnight to set our course, to change, and to forge our new paths, as if this single bridge from one day to the next holds more magic than the rest.
i am here to tell you that our midnight tonight means nothing.
do not become afraid, because i long for freedom and yearn for a life of more truth than the life i am currently living, too. and do not become afraid, because i still so believe in the inherent power of resolutions for change. this drive to become more whole is one of the most powerful things on this earth; all i am saying is that there is no magic in tonight and tonight only.
this past week, i struggled immensely. i was overcome with the unshakable feeling that my body was not my own, that i was cloaked in a foreign shell of a human i did not know. i believed there to be some excruciating mistake in my existence, where i had truly lost my own body. my mind and physical vessel were no longer one, and all i wished to do was either cut my body open in order to free myself so that i could run away from this wrong embodiment and be able to breathe, or starve this physical being that was not mine into the ground and let it scream in deprivation until it could no longer hold me hostage.
as the days have followed, my mind has slowed and with careful breaths and oversized clothes, i have been able to keep the panic at bay if only by allowing my thoughts waiver back towards self-harm and self-diminishment. my fears have become vast, the my patience and care i’ve attempted cultivating to listen to this body surrounding me has been crushed.
i’ve thought a lot about this coming midnight, and what path i hope this year to take me on. and then it hit me.
this world gets so caught up waiting and preparing for change, whether it be waiting until tomorrow to finally begin to save ourselves or waiting for the new year to change our lives and fight for our freedom, we waste the moments and the potentials for unlimited amounts of metaphorical midnights that are happening all around us, all the time.
though my heart was still clutched in the panic of dissociation, i was able to form one single thought in my head. and it was this.
this life is nothing but one continuous chance to take the risk we are too afraid to grab hold of, to become the person we wish to be next year, to take the next step towards the life we can only hope to wake up into one day.
and it you are reading this now, that means that you have oxygen screaming in your lungs and blood coursing through your terrified veins and most of all, the capability to create your own midnight in this very moment.
and this was when i decided in one single split second, a second more magical than any midnight could ever be, that i was going to continue fighting for my life before the darkness even welcomes the midnight in.
so i took this body, oversized sweater and all, into the middle of the yoga studio in my city. i rolled out my mat, and i closed my eyes. with my eyes closed, my mind could breathe. and here, my authentic soul inside of me, deep deep down, could breathe too. i moved through class like this for sixty minutes, i came home and drank a cup of tea and i ate what i knew i was meant to eat in order to foster this life, and i made my own midnight.
i started right here, with all that i am and with all that i had, and made my own beginning. and as hard as words are for me to string together, this is what i am trying to reach into your hearts; that you, too, can create your own beginnings, your own midnights, in any split second of magic that you choose.
and the secret of all this: once you choose this beginning for yourself, once you choose this metaphorical midnight as right here and right now, the magic is created simply through your beautiful and triumphant intention for change.
so, friends, let your midnights be as frequent as they need to be. let your yearnings for freedom and wholeness and authenticity be a string of the most beautifully chosen midnights you wish, because it is only then that we can one day become and live all that we so much hope we are on the right path towards.
hold the midnight of tonight sacred in your heart if you wish, if that feels right and true, but know that you are always always strong enough to make more.
live your change, breathe in your capability, and let us never cease creating our own midnights, because let us never stop journeying towards the people we hope with all of our souls to one day be.
i know now that i am going to continue making my own midnight beginnings every time the choices for life become too much to bear, take the path of just one small right step at a time, and eventually be grateful that i found the deep courage to fight and begin again over and over and over until the midnights gave way to the rising sun.
what is the midnight your soul knows you have been waiting too too long to create?
well….if you so choose, your midnight is now.