defined here as the state of forming a complete and harmonious unity. the deep relief of feeling sincerely whole. to be one.
for this new year of 2018, i was given the task of choosing one single word to live out and embody with all that i am in the next three hundred and sixty five days. and more quickly and than my mind could verbalize my answer, my heart chose wholeness.
these single words, if you so decide to choose your own as i hope you will take the time to do, will be our guides. when our hope is replaced by hands shaking from uncertainty in this world of chaos, let our words be our foundations.
let our words be the ground upon which we begin to rebuild our brokenness.
let our words be the shore upon which our horizons fall upon.
when our bodies seem too wrong to keep alive, let us breathe our words in deep.
when our skin is screaming to be cut apart, let us breathe our words in deep.
when our minds and all their menacing entanglements of thought become prisons we do not think we can survive, let us breathe our words in deep.
so now is the time.
what is the word calling to you quietly from the depths of your authenticity? or shouting at you with the last piece of hope you have left?
what word will you preserve in your mind, your soul, your heart, and your bones this year?
and what will it take for you to keep your word?
as i attempt to breathe in my own wholeness and keep my word sacred, i will hold it close in many forms.
i will spend more nights on long phone calls with the friends i hold so dear, the ones scattered across the globe. i will close my eyes and speak my truths and listen attentively and sink into the relief of being known, even with hundreds of miles between us.
i will spend more sundays taking trips with my younger brother, just me and him and my dusty car on our way to make up for so so many lost years. i will be who i am and exist as i can and know that my intentions for connection are the most beautiful first steps.
i will start over with “let me try to find my words again” as many times as it takes for me to feel truly heard and known. i will remind myself that the journey to being understood wholly is a long one, and know that with each time i try again to verbalize my vulnerability, i am doing the very best that i can.
i will allow myself more afternoons sitting with the dappled light of my living room on the couch with my mum, and know that our connection is more fulfilling than any compulsion to compensate or mutilate my body will ever be. i will hug more, and say more “i love you”s.
i will eat more homemade cookies, bake crusty loaves bread with my nana, and eat them warm with sprinkled salt and sweet jam.
i will keep showing up with my yoga mat and my determination to reconnect my physical body with my soul. i will close my eyes when seeing myself becomes too unbearable, and remember that i am true enough to at least move my body and real enough feel these somethings at all.
i will make french toast out of the challah my rabbi gives to me on shabbat, and i will spend my saturday mornings in gratitude of this life.
i will journal until my pens run out of ink, and fill my pages with the words i have found inside of me.
i will sing along to taylor swift in the car with my dad, my old radio turned up just a little too loud, our windows rolled down and the sun roof letting in the brisk california winter air.
i will laugh and love and sing.
i will eat and care and forgive.
i will rest and mend and speak.
i will root down, unfurl my branches, and grow into this being that i have always been.
i will grow into wholeness with everything that i am.
i would be more than honored to hear the words you have chosen. if you find the courage within you….comment them below.
keep on keeping on.