one hundred and twenty calories; tonight, enough to both ravage my mind with shame and yet enough to give me the perspective i so desperately needed to be reawakened. this afternoon, as i sat bathed in the flecked sunlight sifting through our wisteria with my ukulele (named suzy lee) on my knee and the warmth of the day caressing my cheeks, i consumed one hundred and twenty calories that were not forced, not part of my meal plan, not necessary for my survival.
there has been a ceaseless hunger that has continued to dwell within me ever since i once again began to restore my body back to health ten months ago, and today i chose to live into bravery and truth as i felt my hunger and honored its wish. the bravery soon turned to fear all the same, which turned into panic and disbelief, anger and disgust.
it was a paradox, it seemed. the agonizing yearning for freedom from the darkness that had oppressed me for so long, and yet the shame felt when i seemed to be fighting my way onto safer ground. the thirst for life, and yet the anguish over no longer being sick.
but because my soul knew deeply that none of this was ever about any number of calories, i heard the universe whisper, “if you are no longer sick, what are you?”
this pulled at my heart. the churning of my mind began, though i knew that my heart already held the answers.
i am a life that was never destined to be small.
if having a body that takes up more space is the only way to ever have even the possibility of having a life that takes up more space, then so be it.
if fighting through shame that feels like the cutting edge of a knife is the only path to freedom, then so be it.
if every step of the way that feels so plainly wrong could truly be worth something in the end, then so be it.
and this is not to say that any of this is easy. choosing to align our actions with the light often makes our residual dark pieces scream out with fear even louder than ever before, and this is okay. even i, tonight, after choosing to fight for life and truth and feeding myself every ounce and calorie i am prescribed, took to cutting the flesh of my own thigh in the dim light on my cement floor. it is far from easy.