when the whole world feels dark.

there is nothing inside of me that i do not fucking loathe with every ounce of my being.

i live in the world, but i am oh so far away. where i am, the air is stale and i can taste the shame, thick and visceral, as it stifles my haphazard breaths. it fills my mouth. a death without immediate end, i gag on the shame of my very own survival. nothing permeates through the fucking ice cold leather of the skin i wish were not mine at all. this world is too fucking dark. there is nothing here for me.

the people around me are so distant, even if i screamed and clawed my way towards them, i would never arrive. the humans on the street are so lonely i feel as though i’m going to vomit out my own beating heart onto the pavement.

i sit in my car, the man pulled up next to me has eyes of regret and loneliness fucking threatening to drown him right then and there. his windows were rolled up tight. i can see him drowning already. i drown too. we all are, whether you feel it or not. this world is not right. i cannot be here.

it’s eight minutes past midnight and the fucking razor blades are not sharp enough. they are not opening my veins fast enough. the warm blood not flowing heavily enough. not enough. not fucking enough. never fucking enough. i try a different blade. it’s all the same. another blade. another. another. another. my fucking room has a thousand razor edges. i survived and i don’t even have the strength to carve myself away. i cannot do this. i cannot be here.

the fucking world is collapsing and there is nothing left. there is no hope left. trauma is thicker than the tears that cloud our eyes and we are a disgrace. children are being ripped from their mothers. people are dying, and even the ones who are alive do not speak. we are all so fucking alone, i cannot bear it. everything is dying. i do not want to live. i cannot be here.

my recovery from a so-called eating disorder is a fucking joke. i am nothing, nothing more than a grain of sand fucking praying to be washed away. this world is filled with so much misery, and truth be fucking told that my recovery is the most fucking superficial shit that i wish would have fucking done away with me long ago. there is real chaos here. real darkness. i do not even deserve to be alive. who the fuck do i think i am.

i cannot live with myself, but so fucking what. i am nothing. i do not matter. i am barely even human. i am a fucking shell. why was this life wasted on me, i scream to the fucking empty heavens. good souls are fucking dying left and right. why the fuck am i still here?

i do not know. i cannot breathe. i cannot be here.

how do i even legitimize a life as worthless as the one i am living?

how do i fucking continue living in this damn, dark world?

how?

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5 thoughts on “when the whole world feels dark.

  1. oh birdy i’m worried about you 😦 i’m so sorry that you feel this way at the moment. the only support i have to offer is you’re not alone. you’re not. ah i wish i could give you a hug and let you know your worth and all the sunrises you’re yet to see and adventures you’re yet to enjoy. i’m here for you birdy. in this struggle you are not alone. if you want to drop me an email and chat to someone who understands then the offer is open x rosie_pozie@hotmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Try to remember what you told me a few months ago sweetheart!! Because what you said to me counts for you as well!! You are in recovery and writing this shows exactly that. Cause if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be feeling all this shit!! I know how hard it can be right now, as I’m also coming back from the abyss, but it’s worth it, YOU are worth it!!

    Much love (L)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ve probably heard it countless times from so many people, and I understand how in that moment, you just don’t believe anything from anyone else. You’re suffocating; You try to listen, but you can barely keep your head above the water. I’m going to say it anyway, and I hope you come to see it soon: You are beautiful, and you deserve a place on earth. You deserve love, you are worthy, and you can overcome this. I know you will. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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